There is one part of my story that I don’t talk too much about.
My husband and I have one child. He is eleven years old now.
Our son came quickly and without much effort. Infertility was the last thing on our minds.
Most people assume we chose to have one child. What they don’t know is that my husband and I have longed for another child since our son was just a year old.
That is ten years of waiting, wanting, and wondering.
Before anyone asks, we did start down the path of medical intervention and chose to stop for reasons that are our own.
We also started down the path of adoption and chose to stop for reasons that are our own.
Early on in our marriage, my husband and I took a step of faith and agreed we would trust God with our family size. We assumed that meant a lot of kids. We were equally thrilled and scared to death.
What we didn’t consider at the time was that trusting God with our family size meant trusting HIM no matter the family size, big or small.
I didn’t consider that, perhaps, God would say that one child was the perfect number for us.
So, for the last ten years, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. I would go through seasons of contentment and seasons of yearning for another child.
There have been times when I have cried out to God.
Wait, let me be more honest. I have YELLED at God.
Why? Why, when children are said to be a blessing, was He withholding this blessing from us. Was I not good enough? What was wrong with me? What made other women so special that they got so much “blessing” when I only got a little “blessing?”
I know this line of thinking is horrible. I was fed lies straight from the pits of Hell and I swallowed them whole and allowed them to become a part of me. I believed the lie that I was not good enough for God’s blessings hook, line, and sinker.
I stayed in a place of WHY and it blinded me.
I got lost in that place called “When.”
You know that place? When our family is complete we will do all those awesome things. Or I will go after all those awesome bucket list fitness goals when I am done having babies.
Then one day I was praying and once again, asking God why I have to wait for so long for another child. Why is He withholding such blessings?
I remember distinctly hearing, “Sarah….Sarah…..my child. My beautiful child. I have not withheld any blessings. Go look at your son. I gave you your Son. I gave him to you to nurture and to tell him all about my wonders. I have an amazing plan for him. He is enough.”
I was UNDONE.As I was in limbo I failed to see the perfection I already had right in front of me. Click To Tweet
I confessed and repented to the Lord of my failings.
Then I went to my son.
I said, “Son, I love you so much. You know that right? You know that Dad and I have always been open to having more children. But, in God’s providence, it hasn’t happened. For too long I have been looking for that other child and while looking I failed to see you following me. I looked ahead and not to my side. I am afraid that I have made you feel like you are not enough, that our family is not complete and perfect already. Please forgive me. You ARE enough and our family is PERFECT just the way it is.”
My son, with tears in his eyes, said, “I forgive you, Mom. I love you so much.”
There has been so much healing in our family since the day I told my son he is enough.
Is there still a desire for more children? Sure.
Do I still wonder why things are this way? Absolutely.
Do I grieve how I thought things would be? Yep.
But, I rest in knowing that God’s ways are higher than my own. And He is so much bigger than infertility.
And I relish in the renewed relationship I have with my ENOUGH son.