There is one part of my story that I don’t talk too much about.

Infertility.

My husband and I have one child. He is eleven years old now.

Our son came quickly and without much effort. Infertility was the last thing on our minds.

Most people assume we chose to have one child. What they don’t know is that my husband and I have longed for another child since our son was just a year old.

That is ten years of waiting, wanting, and wondering.

Before anyone asks, we did start down the path of medical intervention and chose to stop for reasons that are our own.

We also started down the path of adoption and chose to stop for reasons that are our own.

Early on in our marriage, my husband and I took a step of faith and agreed we would trust God with our family size. We assumed that meant a lot of kids. We were equally thrilled and scared to death. 

What we didn’t consider at the time was that trusting God with our family size meant trusting HIM no matter the family size, big or small.

I didn’t consider that, perhaps, God would say that one child was the perfect number for us. 

So, for the last ten years, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. I would go through seasons of contentment and seasons of yearning for another child. 

There have been times when I have cried out to God.

Wait, let me be more honest. I have YELLED at God.

Why? Why, when children are said to be a blessing, was He withholding this blessing from us. Was I not good enough? What was wrong with me? What made other women so special that they got so much “blessing” when I only got a little “blessing?”

I know this line of thinking is horrible. I was fed lies straight from the pits of Hell and I swallowed them whole and allowed them to become a part of me. I believed the lie that I was not good enough for God’s blessings hook, line, and sinker.

I stayed in a place of WHY and it blinded me.

I got lost in that place called “When.”

You know that place? When our family is complete we will do all those awesome things. Or I will go after all those awesome bucket list fitness goals when I am done having babies.

Then one day I was praying and once again, asking God why I have to wait for so long for another child. Why is He withholding such blessings?

I remember distinctly hearing, “Sarah….Sarah…..my child. My beautiful child. I have not withheld any blessings. Go look at your son. I gave you your Son. I gave him to you to nurture and to tell him all about my wonders. I have an amazing plan for him. He is enough.”

I was UNDONE.

As I was in limbo I failed to see the perfection I already had right in front of me. Click To Tweet

I confessed and repented to the Lord of my failings.

Then I went to my son.

I said, “Son, I love you so much. You know that right? You know that Dad and I have always been open to having more children. But, in God’s providence, it hasn’t happened. For too long I have been looking for that other child and while looking I failed to see you following me. I looked ahead and not to my side. I am afraid that I have made you feel like you are not enough, that our family is not complete and perfect already. Please forgive me. You ARE enough and our family is PERFECT just the way it is.”

My son, with tears in his eyes, said, “I forgive you, Mom. I love you so much.”

There has been so much healing in our family since the day I told my son he is enough.

Is there still a desire for more children? Sure.

Do I still wonder why things are this way? Absolutely.

Do I grieve how I thought things would be? Yep.

But, I rest in knowing that God’s ways are higher than my own. And He is so much bigger than infertility.

And I relish in the renewed relationship I have with my ENOUGH son.


 
 


 

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6 comments on “Freedom In Infertility: The Day I Told My Son He Is Enough”

  1. Sarah, thanks so much for this post. Like lots of people, I often assume that when I meet families with only one child or perhaps two, that they have chosen to only have that many, or rather to prevent more. We also trusted God with our family size from the beginning of our marriage. So few modern Christians, especially protestants, see this as the Biblical approach. But when my second child was a baby, I met a woman with 9 children. I commented to her that I admired her family and trusted the Lord to give us as many as He liked (meaning lots.) She got very serious with me and said, then you must trust Him to give you as few as he likes also. She told me about her sister who had an emergency hysterectomy during the birth of her second child. And then I thought of Sarah, Abraham’s wife, who was only given one son. And of Rebekah, who waited 20 years, had twins and no more. And of the Shunammite woman. And of the widow of Nain. I believe that children are a blessing, and that they are to be welcomed and desired and raised up to follow Jesus. But it is evident that God blesses some women, just as much, with fewer children. Because each Handmade child is His special creation and His special gift. You have trusted the Lord with your family size and acknowledged that His creations are the very good blessings He calls them. That is just right. And I am so glad He has given you your great son! I know there is such pain in longing for children. Or longing for siblings. God knows it, too, and I will pray for you and your family to receive God’s very best, whether that’s children/siblings or peace and wholeness with your family size. And I will pray for your son to grow in Christ, knowing He is loved and wanted and perfectly designed.

  2. This is a really touching story! I had never considered that those with one child only may have wanted more, I always just (wrongly) assumes one was enough! But I love how you explain how he has been “enough” and how hard it was. It’s very eye-opening.

  3. I know what it is to long for a child. A couple years into our marriage, we got a ready-made family when we took my nephew in and later adopted him. But I also wanted a large family, since I came from one. I went through all the emotions you talked about. My husband and I weren’t always on the same page about it, and that caused even more hurt at times. Finally, after 8.5 years of wondering why, we decided the same thing, that we were only meant to have one. And shortly after that, I became pregnant. I was 37 years old. My son is now 13, and he has been such a blessing. I will pray for you. I’m glad that you have made peace with one child, but I know how that longing doesn’t go away. I hope God has a big surprise for you! Our two boys are 11 years apart!

    • AWE!! What an amazing story!! Thank you for sharing. I am in the place where I am happy and content not matter where our family goes. I’m happy with ONE and I’m happy if another shows up. 😉 The cool thing is that choice is not mine and I am perfectly A-Okay with that!!!

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