Relationships are built on transparency and vulnerability. It is so easy in this time of blogging and social media to always put on your best face and not open the gates to your heart and soul. I have spent way too long locked up, not letting anyone in. I want to break down those walls and let you in. For that reason, I am running a series of posts that I’m calling “Journal Entry.” In these posts, I will share directly from my journal, where I write my 1000 Words A Day. It will be a copy and paste with no editing or cleaning up.
I can’t believe I am doing this.
I just can’t shake it and the Husband won’t let me. The Lord won’t let me. The Holy Spirit won’t let me. Apparently, I am a writer and there is nothing I can do about it.
But, seriously? Me? A writer? I have no formal training beyond writing papers for degrees in History and Counseling. What do I have to say? What can I offer this gigantic world? I am not an expert in anything. I am a wife, a homemaker, a homeschooler, a part-time jobber. I am overweight and out of shape. I’m not all that pretty. I am a jogger but I am firmly in the back of the pack. I am not an extravagant chef. I am not crafty and the crafts I do make are kind of gimpy looking. I have never made a big difference. I am one of those random faces in the crowd that doesn’t really stick out. I am average and maybe even less than that.
Me? A Writer? Seriously, Lord?
This is just crazy! Why won’t you leave me ALONE?! I have tried so many things and nothing has ever worked. And whenever I cry out for wisdom and direction always come back to writing. There is something inside me that wants to write even though I have no idea what it would be. Nothing has ever worked! What would make me think this thing called writing would work? What can I say? Would anyone even listen? What is the point if no one listens? So many thoughts. I have tried writing before and that fell by the wayside too.
How is this time different? Clueless.
The Lord prompts me and I turn away. I am scared and embarrassed. Who am I to think that I could be used to do something awesome?
Me? A writer? There is NO WAY!
The Holy Spirit digs into my soul and asks me to write. I run away. I don’t want to go that deep, Lord. It is too dark and shameful. Please leave that part alone because I am so not worthy of your presence. Please allow me to keep my shamefulness and mediocrity to myself, a sinful woman. I have given you my soul, my love, and my trust. Please don’t ask me to give every last detail of my shame and then write it down. This is too hard. I am not worthy. I have done so many terrible things. People won’t love me. They won’t like me if they knew.
Me? A Writer? I just can’t believe it, Lord.
You say that you are drawing me to yourself through pen and paper. You chase me down. You are relentless. “Open yourself to me and great things will happen,” you say. “Just allow me to clean you from the inside out,” you say. “You know my Son and you know my salvation but there are galaxies more to know of my Love and plan for you, my Child. Just let go”
I am afraid.
I am afraid of what will be revealed, uncovered. I am sinful and I am ugly. Please, Lord, use someone else. Use someone who is more faithful and more talented. I am just a homemaker, a home-schooler. I have never done anything great. I am just me. And yet you never let me go. How many times have I heard, “Oh NO! I am not letting you get off that easy!”
Me? A Writer? Seriously, Lord?
I guess so. Apparently, you aren’t letting me get out of this one. It is with fear and trembling that I submit. I have no idea where this will lead. I am still quite afraid of what will be shown to me. It is ugly and it is dark. Of that I am sure. But, if the Lord can use me, a sinner, to bring himself glory then I guess it is all worth it.
So, with that, I become a writer.
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